How To Succeed on the Road

Since I have been on the road quite a bit in the past few weeks, I decided to write down some tricks that I use to help cope with long drives. Long drives may seem daunting, but if you follow these simple steps, you will be a highway-driving pro in no time.

Disclaimer: Results may differ for each individual.

1. If you find yourself getting angry, act crazy instead. This is a tried and true method to keep the road rage at bay.

Some ways to act crazy:

• Sing along to music, using only "beep," "boop," and "bop" as lyrics.
• Sit up close to the wheel and pretend you're an old lady driving.
• Make wooshing noises every time you switch lanes, and swing your body dramatically.
• Advanced: Attempt to harmonize with your music (not really that crazy).

2. I don’t know if this really counts as a tip, but get out of the fast lane unless you’re actually going fast. Every time you occupy the fast lane, a labradoodle falls off a cliff. Be courteous of speeders. See below if you're a visual learner.

3. Treat the highway like an exclusive club. If you’ve been waiting in traffic for a while, you’ve been in the club the longest. Along with your fellow traffic-sufferers. These men and women have fought by your side through these tough times. If someone who has just entered the highway is trying to cut you off, don’t let him in. In fact, take it upon yourself to just hate this newcomer from the depths of your heart. Everyone else is doing it. This club is private. Not just anyone can enter the club. You’ve earned your spot. Defend it.

4. Choose a car to be your highway buddy. Pretend that you two are best pals. Talk to your highway buddy as if he can actually hear you. This will prevent you from getting lonely and going crazy. Despite Tip 1, it is best not to be crazy at all.

5. If the highway is really getting the best of you, call a friend (using Bluetooth of course) under the pretense of asking some simple question. A mere, “Do you know what channel the game is on tonight?” will do. This way, you will feel connected to the outside world without seeming like a loser. (And no, I actually was asking for the score of the basketball game on Sunday)