Encounters With Strange People

Today at work I walked past this girl that I see ALL THE TIME. But for some reason, we always give each other the awkward lookaway in the halls. This isn’t the case with most other people who work on my floor. I have no problem saying hello to relative strangers or people that seem nice. This is why I couldn’t understand why saying hello to this person became so impossible; she seems perfectly normal.

But then I realized a pattern: the people I felt comfortable acknowledging in the halls were the ones I acknowledged early on in our brief and utterly superficial relationships. Thus, there must exist a cutoff, a certain number of blowoffs, beyond which one can never say hi to a stranger…

But seriously, I think after four or five mutual lookaways, it just becomes weird if you randomly surprise them time with a, “Hey!”

How to Identify the Coolest People on Campus

Often when walking around a college campus, you may find yourself asking, “Who is the coolest kid here?” I know that I do for sure. Here are a few ways to help you figure out who’s cool. You may not know it, but the signs are right in front of you!

1. If one is playing music at excessive volumes, especially during the night, he is most likely very cool. You may overhear this music, typically of the hip-hop genre, blasting from a car or through someone’s headphones or even through the wall of your dorm room! If you can hear music from the privacy of your own room, the culprit is probably awesome and has many friends.
2. Another way to identify the coolest kid on any given day is by the amount of daps and/or shout-outs given to acquaintances in the quad. This is a sure sign of a cool cat. If you walk through the quad and don’t see anyone you know, you are probably a loser and in the math club.
3. When I see someone texting in class or in line for lunch, I usually feel bad about myself because of how much cooler this person is than I am. Texts are often followed by laughing and shaking of the head, as if to say, “Oh Rob, you’re so funny! And I’m so cool right now with all my connections!”
4. There is also a direct correlation between coolness and speed of walking. The slower you walk, and with the least concern for other pedestrians, the cooler you must be.
5. Alcohol is always an indicator of coolness as well. Cool people can often be overheard talking loudly and purposefully about what type of beer or liquor they enjoy and how many different parties they hit up last night. This is typically followed by a description of how “shmammered” one may have gotten on a particular weekend.
6. The last, but definitely not least, sign of a cool person is if he or she accelerates very quickly on campus roads, especially when driving past students. Loud exhaust systems essentially seal the deal when it comes to a cool dude. Everyone knows that the faster and louder the car, the cooler the driver.

So those are just a few tips to help you get out there and figure out who’s cool and who’s not. Happy spotting!

Guidelines To Not Look Like A Douche

Welcome to "Guidelines to Not Look Like a Douche," the first step you can take to help yourself be a better person. If you follow these simple rules, you can minimize your chances of looking like a douche. However, due to many unknown variables in your lives and in your surroundings, merely following these rules may not completely protect you from looking like a douche. My advice is to think before you do something that will make you look like a douche, and then don't do that thing. Just as a disclaimer, these rules pertain primarily to males, as I haven’t the first clue about female fashion.

1. Never shall one wear a collared shirt underneath another collared shirt. Frankly, this is completely unnecessary and makes people want to injure you.
   
   
   
   
   
2. Never shall one pop the collar of his or her collared shirt unless for the purpose of protecting one’s neck from the sun. Under this exception, one must proclaim openly that he or she hates himself or herself for said collar-popping.
3. Never shall one wear two collared shirts with the collars popped. EVER. If you do this, just stop. Look at yourself in the mirror, and just stop.
   
   
   
   
   
4. Never shall one wear or use at any given moment greater than two articles of clothing or accessories with the logo of his or her respective undergraduate university. This includes, but is not limited to: headbands, socks, underwear, ties, cuff links, umbrellas, earrings, flip flops, handbags, sweatshirts, shorts, and foam fingers. Check yourself now! Are you wearing too many?*
   
   
   
   
   
5. Never shall one wear an unbuttoned or minimally buttoned button-down shirt without an undershirt. This is mainly as a courtesy to others who may happen to see you in public.
6. Never shall one wear a flat brimmed hat on top of another flat brimmed hat, especially facing in opposite directions. In fact, let this apply to all hats.

Keep in mind that this list is just a preliminary guideline. I will add more to this list as I see more people who look like douches around town and get more ideas.

*If you find yourself wearing two collared college shirts with the collars popped and a college hat or something, I'm going to pass out.

How To Succeed on the Road

Since I have been on the road quite a bit in the past few weeks, I decided to write down some tricks that I use to help cope with long drives. Long drives may seem daunting, but if you follow these simple steps, you will be a highway-driving pro in no time.

Disclaimer: Results may differ for each individual.

1. If you find yourself getting angry, act crazy instead. This is a tried and true method to keep the road rage at bay.

Some ways to act crazy:

• Sing along to music, using only "beep," "boop," and "bop" as lyrics.
• Sit up close to the wheel and pretend you're an old lady driving.
• Make wooshing noises every time you switch lanes, and swing your body dramatically.
• Advanced: Attempt to harmonize with your music (not really that crazy).

2. I don’t know if this really counts as a tip, but get out of the fast lane unless you’re actually going fast. Every time you occupy the fast lane, a labradoodle falls off a cliff. Be courteous of speeders. See below if you're a visual learner.

3. Treat the highway like an exclusive club. If you’ve been waiting in traffic for a while, you’ve been in the club the longest. Along with your fellow traffic-sufferers. These men and women have fought by your side through these tough times. If someone who has just entered the highway is trying to cut you off, don’t let him in. In fact, take it upon yourself to just hate this newcomer from the depths of your heart. Everyone else is doing it. This club is private. Not just anyone can enter the club. You’ve earned your spot. Defend it.

4. Choose a car to be your highway buddy. Pretend that you two are best pals. Talk to your highway buddy as if he can actually hear you. This will prevent you from getting lonely and going crazy. Despite Tip 1, it is best not to be crazy at all.

5. If the highway is really getting the best of you, call a friend (using Bluetooth of course) under the pretense of asking some simple question. A mere, “Do you know what channel the game is on tonight?” will do. This way, you will feel connected to the outside world without seeming like a loser. (And no, I actually was asking for the score of the basketball game on Sunday)